until you came along || jj heller

I tried to live this life on my own
But emptiness was beating down the door
Yeah it rose up like a flood
Until my dying days were done
They are no more

Nothing makes sense without you
It's like waking up in the dark
I didn't have a song
Until you came along

Falling in love with you was easy
You were always meant to have my heart
I was broken all to pieces
You were there to be the missing part

Nothing makes sense without you
It's like waking up in the dark
I didn't have a song
Until you came...

And I never wanna go back
To the way things were beforeYou saved me and you made me yours

Now nothing makes sense without you
It's like waking up in the dark
I didn't have a song
Until you came along

Now nothing makes sense without you
It's like waking up in the dark
I didn't have a song
Until you came along

my baby

just in time for finals. :D

never grow up

long post alert.

last week, i was babysitting for some little girls (ages 2, 4, and 6), and it brought back the best kind of memories.

= the way the two older girls interacted...

= the way the older one tried to "take care" of the younger one in a motherly way...

= the way the middle girl listened to the older one with huge eyes...

= the way that they all said goodnight to each other, and i knew that forgetting to say "i love you" would have been the thing to make them cry themselves to sleep that night...

= the way they danced around while they sang 3 different songs, with each of the older girls "leading" a song (even if they didn't know the words)...

= the way they all stared at me during dinner and tried to sound old and mature...

... it was all a little surreal. because last time i checked I was the one trying to take care of my younger siblings, and they were looking up at me with huge eyes... I was the one who cried if my mom didn't sing that one certain special song, actually convinced that i couldn't go to sleep if she didn't... I was the one staring with awestruck eyes at the idolized older girl babysitting me...

at one point, all of the girls were playing hide-and-go seek, and the izzy, the youngest one, was the one "hiding." we're all waiting for her to call out "ready!" when all of a sudden she bursts around the corner on her wobbly, fat 2-year-old legs and yells "YOU FOUND ME!!"

the oldest one looked at me with a wise, big girl look. she explained to me that izzy didn't understand the game, really, but that "we should just pretend that she does." she looked up at me hoping for some kind of mutual, big girl understanding between just the two of us.

that is just the kind of thing i did with my babysitters... it felt beyond weird to have the roles reversed. what on EARTH happened?

later on in the evening, all the girls were dancing in that cute little way girls do... jumping back n' forth from one foot to another really fast, sliding across the floor in their sock-ed feet, looking down at their legs. from their expressions, they thought it was really cool, that they were really good dancers.

of course i danced with them, and i felt TALL.

i felt like i was their age.

i felt like i should be their height.

i don't know how to describe it, but i was definitely having "a moment."

you know how different things trigger memories and feelings of nostalgia in different people? i can't even describe how, but it suddenly hit me how OLD i was. after they went to bed i sat down on the couch, just remembering (and maaaaybe crying a little?).

where did my life go? where did my childhood go?

life just keeps accelerating, time passes by faster and faster.

my guess is, it'll only swirl past more quickly as we get older.

i am reminded of how fleeting life is, how little time we have on this earth.

it's so easy to forget, but i want to start living by a more eternal perspective...

thankful [2011]

today i'm thankful for...

* family
parents who always want the best for me, and the most amazingly crazy siblings in the world.

* friends
honestly, i am convinced i have the best friends in the world, who point me to God constantly.

* health
so thankful that almost all the signs of mono have left my body.

* warm houses
hahaha, imagine if we had to sleep outside?!

* my puppy
can't believe i'm saying this, but a cuddly dog just makes life better. it's true!

* sunshine
iiii could not live without it...

* music
 what is it about music that warms you up, or energizes you, or provides the perfect background for midnight studying?

* the season of life i'm in right now
i'm trying to really relax and focus on how blessed i am in this current season of life. i'm living at home with my family right now, and just trying to really slow down and enjoy them.

* the excitement of what's to come
at the same time, realllly starting to get excited for what's coming next as i start college and embrace all the new and unknown.

* the Bible
God's word is sooo refreshing, how it reaches out and speaks to me. every. time. so amazing!

* my Savior
the fact that he came down to earth and gave himself up for me, so i could enjoy him forever continues to grow more precious to me every year. he is my friend, my comforter, he loves me, he died for me, shedding his blood on the cross to save me.

i love, i hate.

i love the rhythm, the schedule that fall brings. there's structure and certainity.
i love going to bed at night after a mentally and physically exhausting day.
i love that the cross country season is well under way.
i love the fall weather that's coming soon, and all the holidays and yummy, warm junk food.

i hate sitting inside at my desk all day, memorizing the definition of moist stratified squamous epithelial tissue.
i hate not going to the beach, going to the pool, and having all this free time to read good books.

i love that soon i'll soon be going on bike rides around d.c. on clear, sunny, breezy afternoons.
i love that school is strechting my mind, getting me mentally back in shape.
i love going to my county college and getting to meet new people and listen to new professors.

i hate that soon the sky will be gray instead of blue and that all the vibrant colors of summer will fade and become drab and dull.
i hate knowing that i will soon have to be trapped inside, that it'll be too cold or slushy outside.

i love the new things in store in this next season of life, coming oh so soon!
i hate that all the old, amazing things are coming to an end- summer, childhood, sunshine, pools, beaches, vacations.

i love that fall is coming, i hate that summer is going away.

“For God has consigned all to disobedience, that he may have mercy on all. Oh the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments…” ~Romans 11:32&33

wow. these verse just fill me with wonder of God. to think that he would have us remain in sin, and make sure we get to the point of hopelessness because of our disobedience… so that he could have mercy on us, and blow our minds with grace. it’s amazing! it’s unlike anything we could imagine. he is so much more wise than us. why don’t i trust him more? his ways are so much better than my ways.

just wondering at the grace of God once again, and being drawn to praise my wonderful Savior. :)

gethsemane - getty

To see the King of heaven fall
In anguish to His knees,
The Light and Hope of all the world
Now overwhelmed with grief.
What nameless horrors must He see,
To cry out in the garden:
“Oh, take this cup away from me –
Yet not my will but Yours,
Yet not my will but Yours.”

To know each friend will fall away,
And heaven’s voice be still,
For hell to have its vengeful day
Upon Golgotha’s hill.
No words describe the Savior’s plight -
To be by God forsaken
Till wrath and love are satisfied
And every sin is paid
And every sin is paid

What took Him to this wretched place,
What kept Him on this road?
His love for Adam’s cursed race,
For every broken soul.
No sin too slight to overlook,
No crime too great to carry,
All mingled in this poisoned cup –
And yet He drank it all,
The Savior drank it all,
The Savior drank it all.

peace & joy

perfect peace

is filling my mind

and drawing my heart

to praise you again.

~every.day

[sov.grace.music]

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

~Phil.4:6&7

God seems to be wanting to teach me about peace.

last year through my sickness and depression,

he revealed soosoosooo much to me in this area.

i've in no ways attained perfection in this area (haaaaaaaa),

but lately i have been SO blessed by peace from God.

he has given me so much peace and joy in him,

it has been un-believably amazing!

really "surpassed my understanding..." like Philippians says.

i don't deserve his grace, but he gives it.

i have squandered it, but he gives more grace.

here are some things he's been helping me learn.

(but again, i still have sooo much more growth to attain in this area).

hopefully this will encourage you all!

- he gives peace as a gift

- joy comes through obedience (although God's gift is by NO means limited to my obedience... praise the Lord!)

- the Gospel guarantees me the ultimate peace- peace with God in his holiness

- i find peace when i cast my cares on God, because he cares for me (1Peter4:7)

i have romans 5:1-5 memorized, and part of it keeps coming to mind... (one of the reasons its SO good to hide scripture away in your heart! it pops up when you need it!)

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God."

~Rom.5:1-2

his grace through peace and joy does draw my heart to praise him.

how wonderfully he gives gifts to his undeserving children!

psalm 16

The other day I was reading Psalm 16, and its deff up there in my favorites.
I was really encouraged by these verses:

"[2] I say to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.'
[4] The sorrows of those who run after another God shall multiply...
[5] The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot
[8] I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand I shall not be shaken. [9] Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure...
[11]You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy..."


We can find it hard to not put other things before God, and seek after other things for our joy.
But we can find satisfaction and peace for everything in Him alone.
Seeking after things of this world will only end in despair and hunger.
Praise the Lord that he has supplied us access to himself through the Gospel!

thankful for:

1. a couple of days of flip flops last week. (!!!)

2. my gym membership that's been put to plenty of use. i love running!

3. this sweet journal bekah gave to me for christmas.

i started keeping it in january, and it's really fun!

4. THE SUNNNNN. aaand blue skies!! :)

5. college letters. hhaaaaaa. i'm collecting themmm. for fuunnn.

faith & christmas

You did not wait for me
To draw near to you
But you wrapped yourself with frail humanity
You did not wait for me
To call out to you
But you let me hear your voice calling me

And I'm forever grateful to you
I'm forever grateful for the cross
I'm forever grateful to you
That you came to seek and save the lost

http://therohwering20s.blogspot.com/2010/12/blog-post.html