ice skating

there are several remarks i would like to make about ice skating.

first off. it is very dangerous. there is a great risk of falling.

second. you do not wish to fall backwards, therefore it is best to lean forward at all times.

third. leaning forwards too far will make you fall over.

fourth. as you try to catch yourself from leaning over too far, there is always the risk of jerking

back to far and falling flat on your back.

fifth. always wear hockey skates. not over your dead body should you ever accept a pair of figure skates.

sixth. do not go on a crowded day, or strange men will come and slam into you. or tap you awkwardly on the shoulder. or pick you up. yes i said pick you up. very, very awkwardly.

seventh. if any of the above things happen to you, immediately tell an older brother or older brother figure. he will be happy to beat up the strange man in question.

seventh, never stray too far from the wall or you may get stranded and not be able to get to an exit before the cute zamboni driver runs you over.

eighth, always have a moving buddy so that you can hold their hand while ice skating. it does not matter if this person is a guy or a girl, or if they are good at skating or not. preferable this is someone you were already acquainted with, but its good to make new friends too.

ninth. never hold someone else's hand, because they will probably pull you down with them. or vice versa.

tenth. expect that the next day your shoulders will be very sore from leaning forwards, and that your knees will be a dark shade of purple from leaning forwards.

eleventh. it is normally best to not skate if the ice has not been smoothed for a while. the ice will be too bumpy and you will fall.

twelfth. it is normally best to not skate if the ice has just been smoothed, because it will be too slippery and you will fall.

thirteenth. always go with a big group of friends so that you will have much fun(ny / awkward memories).

fourteenth. never go with people who are good at ice skating because they will make you look and feel bad. even though you probably are.

fifteenth. never go with people who are bad at ice skating or no one will be able to do anything and you will stand or fall around looking at each other.

sixteenth. if you are in any way clumsy, uncoordinated, nonathletic or otherwise impaired, it is best not to go too fast.

seventeenth. the greatest risk involved in ice skating is with those who are good and therefore go too fast. they will most certainly fall while racing.

eighteenth. everyone will fall at least once.

nineteenth. it is best if at all possible to avoid ever trapping yourself in a cold room inside of a building that is filled with ice and small children, and to avoid wearing funny looking shoes with a knife on the bottom that will give you very little balance and leave you completely helpless. it is best, in my opinion, to not ever do any of the above. however it is fun.

the end.